Hi @theintrovertedvet,
Thank you so much for reading through the entire article even though it made you cringe. I mean that genuinely, because it is hard to find people who disagree yet are willing to "listen" to the other person's perspective.
On that note, I would like to highlight that this is my own opinion - it isn't meant to be a balanced POV. This was borne out of my own experience and with that of my many cousins and friends who had to go through very painful engagement experiences due to these family customs.
Regarding the points you raised:
1. Yes the ST article highlighted a range of factors. However, like many surveys, it is unable to pin-point the main reason(s). Often, a couple's road to divorce ironically begins at the wedding-planning process, especially if one (or both) partner(s) is unable to draw respectful boundaries with his/her parents. This lack of boundaries permeates to all segments of his/her life, and interfering parents do make things much worse.
2. I agree that the father walking down the aisle is not a Singaporean Chinese thing. However, I believe in our particular society, it often comes with the belief that the father "gives away" the daughter.
3. Malays and Indians have super elaborate weddings. The reason why I highlight Singaporean Chinese weddings is because I am part of the culture (I don't believe I have the right to impose my own thoughts on others' cultural practices). Furthermore, the huge difference is that Malay and Indian parents are completely fine with holding weddings at HDB blocks, community centres etc. This is a HUGE no-no for Chinese families who see it as "losing face". They want to hold it at expensive hotels, and some demand it even if their children cannot afford to do so.
4. Agreed on angbaos often being expected to "subsidise" the wedding. However, I find this belief super problematic. If you invite someone, I don't think you should expect them to "pay" for their seat. It is quite unbecoming. In fact, I had experiences with parents who called up guests who did not give an angbao, and asked "where is your angbao?" Guests can feel very burdened and instead of enjoying the celebration, weddings can often turn out to feel like a chore.
5. I agree that it is possible to plan a wedding without breaking the bank. In order to do so and sticking with the stated expectations, you would need your parents to be okay with doing it at a budget.
Last but not least, I do agree that many of these traditions can be enjoyable. In fact, I've helped out at weddings where the couple does the whole suite of it, and I loved being a part of it. But not because they were fun in and of itself, but because the couple enjoyed it. They wanted it. The entire message of my article is to highlight that at the end of the day, the couple's wishes should be respected. It is their wedding afterall. I don't think parents automatically earn the right to dictate what the wedding should look like - this really depends on a multitude of factors ranging from finances (are they paying for it?), relationship with their child/soon-to-be daughter or son-in law,, etc. Parents have the right to voice what they hope to see in the wedding, but they do not have the right to demand it happens over and above the couple's own wishes. Compromise is key.
Unfortunately, many of my friends and cousins' experiences have been very negative, where parents' wishes override the child's. Wedding-planning results in many tears and frustrations and begins the couple's union on a very bitter note because a mother-in-law is throwing a tantrum for not being able to have things done her way. I have seen one too many families broken up because of this, and really don't think this has to be the way.
I would be happy to hear your thoughts on this!
